I want to recognize that there are GOOD moments everyday, when I really stop and think about it it's not ALWAYS bad.  I enjoyed being with our families over Thanksgiving weekend.  We did a lot of fun things and for me there's nothing better than spending time with my goofy brothers, parents and Ryan's family. 

After spending most of Thanksgiving day at Ryan's aunt, we got in the car to head over to my grandma's.   I all of the sudden just went into silent mode.  Ryan was asking me what was wrong and I honestly didn't know.  I wasn't mad at him.  I wasn't mad at anyone.  But as I sat there I realized that I was frustrated.  Frustrated that I had every reason to FEEL happy and FEEL grateful that we had had such a wonderful day.  I had talked and laughed with everyone and yet here I sat, with feeling NOTHING.  Why can't I FEEL happy much less FEEL anything when I want to SO badly!  It's just like you're a broken record, stuck on the same note, and your mind just keeps hitting the same note over and over and over again and you cannot move your mind or change how you feel, you are just stuck!  It just doesn't make sense.  I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful little boy.  We both have parents and brothers and sisters that we get along with and love being with.  We just spent oodles of time being with them and doing fun things so why don't I FEEL grateful and FEEL happy when I know I should and want to?

This morning I was talking to one of my closest friends about this. She shared an analogy with me and gave me permission to share it with ya'll.  (thanks Linds :)

I have a friend that grew up on a large farm.

They had a HUGE tractor with wheels 6 feet high.

One rainy day, while they were out plowing that huge tractor sank into a deep mud hole!

They frantically started spinning the wheels to get out. They kept spinning and spinning those huge wheels and the more they spun, the deeper in the mud the tractor sank.

Have you ever been stuck? Have you ever felt like you were spinning and spinning your wheels but you couldn't go anywhere? Like the harder you worked the deeper you sank?

The Lord will not leave you stuck forever. He will come to your rescue eventually and pull you out of that muddy hole, even though it seems like you have expended all your energy spinning your wheels and trying to get out. He will come and save you.

This can apply to ALL of us. We all have our problems that make us feel STUCK. We spin and spin day after day, week after week. Working and spinning and feel like we're getting nowhere.

We are building our character, we are building our faith as we continue to struggle. Eventually the Lord will deliver us, and in the mean time we can continue to ask for his help so that the burden will be lighter while we are still asked to carry it. Keep turning to him in your struggles, He wants to hear about it and help you.

Mosiah 24: 13And it ^acame to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

 14And I will also ease the ^aburdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as^bwitnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their ^cafflictions.

 15And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did^astrengthen them that they could bear up their ^bburdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with ^cpatience to all the will of the Lord.

Just Try

Today has been a good day, better than I've had in a long time.

 I woke up feeling like I just wanted to stay in bed but I got up anyways.  It took a lot of courage  but I did it and I'm grateful for Heavenly Father's help.  I felt like just staying in my house and just being alone, but I called up a friend and we got together an talked and it was great.  I got home and started putting pressure on myself to do the laundry and do the ironing, but I journaled instead and meditated on some new ideas. Now the laundry and ironing are still sitting there and I feel okay about that.  

I'm proud of myself for putting me first today instead of filling my time with "things to do" instead of doing things to really help me find myself and heal.  

I believe in the concept of "fake it till you make it".  I started out this post by saying all the things that I basically had to force myself to do today and  now here I sit so glad that I did!  It's SO easy to get into a rut with this stuff!  I often think thoughts throughout the day like," I should get up and take a shower and do something like go to the store or call a friend, that might help me feel better..." but then I think, " I feel so bad today, NOTHING will make a difference".  I give up trying.  I sell myself out.  Nothing will work, nothing will help I think. But after a day like today I know that is not true!  Sometimes forcing yourself not to the point of anxiety, but to a healthy point, works!  It doesn't FIX everything, but it does help make it more bearable.  Don't rule everything out, avoid thoughts like "nothing will help, it'll just be better if I stay inside, I don't want anyone to see me like this anyways..." 

Pray to God for the strength and try it.  It might not always help, but you're moving in the right direction just for giving it a chance.

It feels at times that depression can rob you of almost everything.  You wake up in the morning and feel numb or extremely sad which leaves you little zest for life.  You have little desire to cultivate your relationships and friendships and so slowly you isolate yourself and lose some of the most important people in your life.  You don't really feel like doing anything that you used to like to do and you'd rather just surf the web or watch TV or just do anything that doesn't require you to think or feel because it's too much effort. You feel cut of from God and wonder if He knows truly how you're feeling or how hard each moment is for you....

... So the question becomes who are you then and what purpose do you have?  Truth is, it also can rob you of that, of who you think you are or who you thought you were, (does that make sense?)

BUT, it doesn't have to.  Notice in the above paragraph that I used the word "CAN" not that it "WILL", meaning that it's not inevitable that it everything you have and are will be "robbed."

 But you may feel like it's already happened,  truth is YOU CAN GET BACK.  I promise.  I've been there.  And through the help of modern medicine, which (in my opinion, you use what works for you...) is necessary in the healing process of depression or any mental illness.  Just like a person who has diabetes, they have to treat it and take medication for it to become stabilized.  They also have to eat healthy, get good rest and exercise.  I feel depression is the same way.  For me it's been the help of several professionals along with regular exercise, meditation and medication that's helping me get there.  I'm not embarrassed to admit that!  Asking for help is not a weakness, treat your mental illness like  the true illness that it is and don't wait for it to get bad before you get help.

2 Nephi 31:20 Wherefore, ye must press forward with a ^asteadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of ^bhope, and a ^clove of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and ^dendure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have ^eeternal life.

"Who am I that he would Love me?"

I woke up this morning feeling rested physically and empty on the inside, I was grateful the rested part. 

I didn't waste any time laying in bed however, because I knew Logan would be awake in less than ten minutes so I had to hurry if I wanted to get a shower for the day...

I quickly knelt and said a prayer and then jumped in the shower.  I often continue to talk to Heavenly Father in my head as the morning gets started, (oh come on I know we all do that sometimes!  Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean I'm crazy!)

Anyways, as I was talking to him and asking him for help, a song came to my head.  

I hadn't thought of this song IN YEARS!  

I grew up in an LDS (mormon) home.  My mom bought these little videos called the Living Scriptures videos.  Remember them?  I LOVED THEM!  My most favorite one was a Book of Mormon one called "The Savior in America".  As silly as they seem now I know they were crucial to helping me know Jesus Christ.  I remember as a little girl, watching it and I knowing the Savior knew me and loved me.  

 I remember crying because I felt so much peace and light, specifically from this scene below.

This morning this song came to my mind as I showered and it filled the emptiness. I know that faith and prayer sometimes don't fix depression.  Not because they can't, but because sometimes the Lord has things for us to learn before he'll just take our problems away, but he CAN make our burden lighter.  He can also guide us to the right help, he's done that for me.

I was DELIGHTED to find the actual video on youtube, please enjoy!

Groundhog day

Remember that movie?

It's pretty old, you might, but just in case you don't...

It stars Bill Murray as a weatherman that is assigned to cover the annual appearance of the Groundhog in Punxsutawney Pennsylvania. To his surprise the next morning he wakes up to find himself repeating the same day over again. The next day is the same and the next and the next....and so on.

I think that's one of the things that makes depression and anxiety so challenging. You feel like a broken record. You wake up with an unexplainable sadness and nervousness every morning that is just THERE. You then work the ENTIRE day to try and feel better. You take a shower and get ready. You say your prayers. You go outside. You get things done around the house. You do yoga and eat healthy all day. You call a friend. You get 8 hours of sleep, You do something sweet for your husband....

the list goes on...

These are all things that are supposed to help you feel better. And they do, but the feelings of sadness and emptiness always find their way back in. Usually I go to bed and feel like ok, it's getting better to wake up and feel like "It's groundhog day again!"

That's why when people say "I battle depression (or any mental health issue)" that's truly what they are saying, I BATTLE it, it's a daily battle.

I used to think (and sometimes still do) that if I just changed my attitude, if I just tried to be more thankful and positive that it would go away. That's not how it works. Before my own battle with all of this, I used to say to myself, "man if depressed people would just get out of bed and get up in the morning they would feel so much better! If they tried to get out and serve others instead of being stuck in themselves they would get over it."

It just doesn't work that way.

When people have cancer, do we tell them that if they serve people and get ready for the day that they would feel better? Ya they might feel better about themselves, but it doesn't take away from the fact that they are facing a TRUE ILLNESS. And we rally around them and tell them how courageous they are and to keep going!

Well mental illness are real true illnesses too, just as real as cancer and just as hard in some ways, that's all there is to it. But what makes it SO difficult to battle is that most people don't see it as that. They see it as a choice, that people are choosing to feel that way. People don't see any physical changes or physical ailments so to them it must be something that people can just get over if they just change their minds and do it. If they'd just get more motivated and not focus on it.

I can make myself look real pretty and done up and smile at everyone on the outside, yet be completely broken on the inside. 
We fight alone much of the time.
It's an unvalidated battle. 
 It's not a tangible thing that people can see and understand and so they push it away accepting that it must not be as bad as people think it is. It must not be real.

I had a Doctor tell me just last week that she feels mental illness is something that the most noble spirits are facing in the last days. Here's why. She asked me, "What is hell Sarah?" ummm... I didn't know what she was getting at... "The very definition of hell is being cut off from God, being cast out of his presence not being able to FEEL him near." she said. "Depression and mental illness is liking asking people to go through a little bit of hell, they feel only darkness most of the time, they have brain fog and confusion and it makes it very difficult to feel much of anything at all most of the time...", hmmm never thought of it that way...

I like that. If I may be so bold as to say so myself that it is a valiant fight! Not something to be embarrassed of or ashamed of!  It's tough!  God trusts that we will be loyal to him no matter what, even if we can't feel him near. Even when our trial seems to drag on and on and we wake up day after day dealing with the same thing...

My favorite example of this is Paul

Corinthians 12: 7-10

12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

12:8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

Even Paul was given a "thorn in the flesh" or a trial, (could have been a mental health issue, we don't know) that he asked that the Lord take from him THREE different times. And the Lord for whatever reason, didn't. He said, "my grace is sufficient for thee"... or what I understand from it, no I know what's best for you . I have a lesson for you to learn from all of this but my grace is sufficient for you to have the strength to go through it!  Even if you have to wake up day after day facing the same trial, I will not leave you to battle it alone!

We can do it, with the help of professionals and the Lord we can face each day, even if it stays groundhog day for days, weeks, months and even years. Just keep on keeping on.... That's all we can do right?

It's Real

Have you ever had a prayer answered and it was so so timely that you were flooded with gratitude and amazement? And you look up into Heaven and realize all over again that Heavenly Father REALLY is there?

I have, and just today was one of those times.

I don't want to go into all the details but it was so real. It was a miracle.

One of my favorite primary songs, "Heavenly Father are you really there? And do you HEAR and ANSWER every child's prayer, some say that heaven is far away, but I feel it close around me as I pray..."

I'll admit though that I have gone through times when I have prayed and I didn't feel much of anything. I know that is a symptom of depression, but I know depression or not we all have that sometimes.

Maybe we even go many, many prayers feeling like it's just hitting the ceiling and all there is is nothing. No light, no answer and that maybe what we're facing isn't important to Heavenly Father.

I have felt that.

I would say that in the past little while it's been far, few and in between that I have REALLY felt that I was being heard.

But I have felt today that I was. I know that I was. And I am so happy and so grateful.

Something inside told me that my faith was being tested. I knew that, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier sometimes.

But I know he is listening and loving us, I KNOW that. And we can't give up praying. DON'T GIVE UP. Just because we don't always feel the peace that we ask for or the answer we are seeking, and we continue to struggle day to day doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't care or that He doesn't love us. It's hard to understand but sometimes He let's us struggle and struggle for a long time.

Elder Richard G. Scott explains it in a way that is so comforting and enlightening. I hope you'll feel the same peace and confirmation that IT IS REAL and He is THERE like I have today.

How Are Prayers Answered?

Some truths regarding how prayers are answered may help you.

Often when we pray for help with a significant matter, Heavenly Father will give us gentle promptings that require us to think, exercise faith, work, at times struggle, then act. It is a step-by-step process that enables us to discern inspired answers.

I have discovered that what sometimes seems an impenetrable barrier to communication is a giant step to be taken in trust. Seldom will you receive a complete response all at once. It will come a piece at a time, in packets, so that you will grow in capacity. As each piece is followed in faith, you will be led to other portions until you have the whole answer. That pattern requires you to exercise faith in our Father’s capacity to respond. While sometimes it’s very hard, it results in significant personal growth.

He will always hear your prayers and will invariably answer them. However, His answers will seldom come while you are on your knees praying, even when you may plead for an immediate response. Rather, He will prompt you in quiet moments when the Spirit can most effectively touch your mind and heart. Hence, you should find periods of quiet time to recognize when you are being instructed and strengthened. His pattern causes you to grow.

President David O. McKay testified, “It is true that the answers to our prayers may not always come as direct and at the time, nor in the manner, we anticipate; but they do come, and at a time and in a manner best for the interests of him who offers the supplication.”3 Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. Your character will grow; your faith will increase. There is a relationship between those two: the greater your faith, the stronger your character; and increased character enhances your ability to exercise even greater faith.

It is so hard when sincere prayer about something you desire very much is not answered the way you want. It is difficult to understand why your exercise of deep and sincere faith from an obedient life does not grant the desired result. The Savior taught, “Whatsoever ye ask the Father in my name it shall be given unto you, that is expedient for you.”4 At times it is difficult to recognize what is best or expedient for you over time. Your life will be easier when you accept that what God does in your life is for your eternal good.

Elder Richard G Scott

(You'll find the whole talk here...http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=6ad685aa6bf22110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Okay

After what I posted yesterday I'd be a total hypocrite if I spend more time than I've already spent this morning on the computer so........

I'm going to make this quick and "borrow" an article I found this morning (from my friend Cam Lee) that was posted on CNN.

In my opinion, it explains almost PERFECTLY the topic of PERFECTIONISM....

And you will love it, I promise.

Before I go, I want to thank everyone for their supportive comments, personal e-mails and facebook messages of this blog, because of it I'm going to keep writing, thanks :)

.

I'm still debating on exactly where I want this blog to go. I still have SO much I want to share about my experiences the past 3 years. I'm really trying to decide if I want to get into the WHOLE story, or if I just keep writing on things that have helped me have hope in the past couple years?

Well I'll think about it for a couple days and get back to you :)

Until then...

.

(CNN) -- "The quest for perfection is exhausting and unrelenting, but as hard as we try, we can't turn off the tapes that fill our heads with messages like "Never good enough" and "What will people think?"

Why, when we know that there's no such thing as perfect, do most of us spend an incredible amount of time and energy trying to be everything to everyone? Is it that we really admire perfection? No -- the truth is that we are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth. We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect.

We get sucked into perfection for one very simple reason: We believe perfection will protect us. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.".......

Continue reading here...

.http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/11/01/give.up.perfection/index.html

What is REALITY?

It's part of our nature to need to feel important. We need to have purpose.

It's in all of us to want to feel loved, accepted and validated.

That's just how we work, it's in our genetic make-up. It's a FACT.

Now, this is JUST my observation, but I think the more time I spend looking at other's blogs and checking facebook the LESS validated, important and accepted I feel. In fact, I know it contributes to my depression and feeling of being "alone".

Why is that?

I did some thinking as I unloaded the dishwasher this morning in my sweats with my hair in shambles from just waking up. Feeling ugly and stinky. After finishing the dishes, I started checking blogs and facebook.

What a mistake.

As I read I thought to myself, hmmm is any of this supposed to help me feel good?

I read about homemade baby food and cloth diapers, a baby that was bilingual by 8 months, another just got back from a fabulous vacation to Hawaii with her husband, another is training for her 4th marathon and she has TWO kids. Another had pictures of her children dressed up in designer clothes playing in the fall leaves.

Everyone was smiling and well just about perfect in my mind.

After checking two or three blogs and being on facebook for about 15 minutes, I was feeling well BLAH. I immediately had an urge to run upstairs and grab my camera and start downloading all of the pictures of the fun things we'd done lately and then talk about how beautiful my son and husband are and all the fabulous things I'm doing to be an "overachieving" mother and wife. I am like that too!

But then I stopped.

I started thinking, why do I want to do that? Why should I do the same? Well I wanted to do it for the same reason other's had done it, because it's something that builds my self-esteem, it validates me and makes me think like I'm keeping up with everyone else, when really I don't really FEEL like I'm keeping up with anybody.

But then I realized, it really isn't wrong or selfish for people to blog and facebook about the things that validate them (especially moms), to blog about the happy times and the great things they're accomplishing, it's a human need. And for some I know, it's like a journal. So why would people choose to blog about how they just got in a fight with their husband, how they're running low on money this month, how their self-esteem is low, how their gaining weight, and how they don't feel happy about life lately.

hmmmm, (more thinking), what is it then?! What's a possible solution?! Who's at fault here and what needs to change?

Aaa ha! Lightbulb!

Here's the problem:

The problem isn't people selecting to only blog and facebook about the happy times in their lives. I don't think it's wise to dwell on the negative nor do people want to read about it.

The problem comes when people like myself, spend TOO much time in the blogging and facebook world. When we are constantly CHECKING what our friends are doing, it can suddenly become our REALITY.

REALITY becomes people always doing fabulous things with their families, their kids are perfect, they're perfect and they've got it all together.

When we spend everyday CHECKING what people are doing instead of ACTUALLY TALKING to them, we will have a distorted view of reality. We will miss out on what's REALLY going on in their lives. We will actually begin to think that we are the only one struggling adjusting to the transitions in our lives and feeling validated in our different roles.

I know right now if I called up or even emailed any one of those friends and opened up and told them about my struggles, they would share some of their struggles with me too! They wouldn't focus on the "things" that they're doing, but on HOW they are doing. We would help each other by listening and relating.

I want to commit to doing more actual COMMUNICATING.

In fact, I know if we all tried to do a little more COMMUNICATING and BEING WITH PEOPLE a little more often,we'd feel a whole more NORMAL and have a lot better SELF ESTEEM. Life would be better.

So here's to phone conversations, heartfelt emails, and lunch dates!

Ok, I'm really getting off the computer now....

I remember the first time I heard this story. I was about 15 or so. 15 was hard, wasn't it? I had bad acne, almost no boobs, and so little self-esteem. I was struggling fitting in with my group of friends so I was trying to find new ones.

This book CHANGED me and the way I viewed my life.

I felt completely understood! It changed the way I viewed Heavenly Father's plan and the reasons we have trials. It helped me understand how much he loves me and how it pains him to see me suffer, yet how joyful he is even after a REALLY REALLY tough trial, I still choose to follow him and trust his love for me.

He is so proud when we choose to stay loyal to him. He knows we may wander off the path for a while, especially when things get tough, but when we're ready he'll ALWAYS take us back.

Just yesterday I was cleaning off a book shelf and came across this book and started to read it. It still resonates so much truth to me! I wanted to share it with all of you and hope that you'll gain a new perspective too.

Enjoy!

You can't judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes

I judged her.

I remember meeting my first mission companion in the MTC. She was arrived two hours late and as I sat in the lunchroom waiting, I was anxious to meet her.

What would it be like being with someone 24/7, it couldn't be that hard for me, right?

I was so confident in my ability to get along with ANYBODY that I knew the "companion" part of the mission would be easy for me. How could it not be? Of course I'd heard many ex-missionaries share their horror stories of just fighting all the time with certain companions, but I just felt like I wasn't like them. I mean I was an ambassador for the University, I had been in student government which = easily likable and popular, right?

I felt like I was above the rest when it came to dealing with people and making friends, I was a PRO in my mind.

anyways...

I was pretty prideful in my social abilities if you can't tell.

The second I said "Hi, I'm Hermana Zurcher," in a chipper voice," can I help you carry your things?", she just stared back at me extremely annoyed, didn't say a word but walked away with both suitcases headed towards our room.

Okay... wasn't expecting that?

Well the next 6 weeks were pretty awful. I was with someone who hated my guts, or so I thought.

To tell you the truth, I didn't like her at all either. All I did was try to be her friend and help her look for the positive and she was so annoyed by that. She'd run away from me, she'd leave class unexpectedly and I'd have to go with her, she'd swear at me, she'd yell at me. I was feeling so cheated in my MTC experience and it was HER fault! Here I was trying to learn spanish and learn to teach and soak up the spirit and I was spending most of my time chasing around my companion who hated me, but because she was my companion, I couldn't let her be by herself.

I was bitter. I spent a lot of nights praying in the janitors closet by our room, it was the only way to be alone for a second. I would sob to Heavenly Father and ask why me? I didn't feel like I deserved this experience. I wanted to go on a mission but this was leaving me feeling unprepared and like I was a horrible person because I was told that all the time by my companion.

It has taken until THIS year for me to understand her and forgive her. I know where she was coming from. I know what it's like to feel out of control and to feel like you're going to explode so you just have to escape and run until you puke. I know.

I know what it's like to feel so much unexplained pain inside and not know why but you pray and plead for God to take it away, yet he doesn't. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

I know what it's like to feel so broken and so down that when others around you act happy and chipper you feel so disappointed in yourself and think, "why can't I just change my attitude and be like them?"

Unfortunately my companion was suffering with some serious mental health issues. She was lost and confused. I didn't understand it at the time but I know it must have been SO difficult for her to be around me, a social bubbly person when she was feeling that way. I just thought she hated me but I know that wasn't the case.

I judged her wrongfully, I know she was hurting inside. She wanted to love me but she was just facing some pretty intense stuff.

I never thought I would be in that same boat, ever! I thought I was above it, like I wouldn't be given that trial because I just wasn't wired like her....

But it happened. It starting happening on the mission in fact, but I'll save that for another day.

POINT OF THIS BEING: You can't ever judge someone or even truly understand them until you walk AT LEAST 10 miles in their shoes.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Why I want to reach out this way

I remember feeling SO alone. I felt so embarrassed by my emotional instability, feeling like I was a sinner. I was ashamed of my unpredictable behavior and my unkind treatment of my loved ones. I felt like I was weird, like I wasn't myself. I didn't know who I was. I felt ashamed. I felt isolated. Do you relate to those emotions? All of us do to some extent, but those emotions are severely exaggerated when someone is dealing with mental illness.

But feeling alone was the worst part of it all. I often thought, "Am I the only person like me?", "Am I going crazy?", "Who do I go to for help?" I felt trapped and like I should keep all of this a secret.

Looking back, it would have made a world of difference to have someone I know, who I see as a normal and happy person deal with what I was dealing with. It would have been so reassuring, it would have healed me in a way.

I have been through a lot. I have learned a lot. I've suffered a lot. It's hard to talk about some of it but other stuff isn't. I know what I'll being sharing would have helped me.

More later...

For now, check these out to find answers to some of your mental health questions

http://www.dbsalliance.org

http://www.namiut.org/

http://nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml

The Perfect Storm

Maybe it's because I haven't got a good night's sleep in 7 months. Maybe it's because we're all sick right now. Maybe it's because Logan cries SO much of the time (and everyone told me colick would end at 6 months, boo). Maybe it's because I've had some major health problems with my thyroid on top of everything. Maybe it's because they're still changing my thyroid meds every 4 weeks and they say it just takes time to adjust (just be patient, and what turn into a complete nut in the meantime?). Maybe it's because I still feel like I'm isolated so much of the time here. Maybe it's because I still haven't found anybody out here that I REALLY relate to and rely on. Maybe it's because we're still considered "new" in our ward but we've been here over a year. Maybe it's the stress of my new calling in the Relief Society. Maybe it's because I just feel really misunderstood most of the time. Maybe it's just my health problems mixed with stress and post-par tum depression.

I think I go over these "maybe its' because" statements in my head at least a few times a day.

I guess it really doesn't matter what causes it but it's a fact that I'm depressed and anxious. I don't need anybody telling me it will be ok, I don't need anybody telling me to look for the positive or valuable lessons I've learned from this experience, or to have more faith. I'm doing all of those things. I just need to be heard and accepted for what I'm going through.

I wasn't always this way. I guess that's why I feel so comfortable being open about what I'm really going through. People know me as a positive, happy person generally speaking. But the past five years, I really haven't been that person most of the time.

Oh and I'm getting help. I see lots of doctors, ALL the time.

I just want people out there to know that I RELATE to them. I'm more real than I've ever been. That's all.

To end on something positive (it's just in my nature to do this), I know it will get better, I really do. But for now this really stinks :(